Seconds, minutes, hours and so it goes… my thoughts, first thing in the morning always center around family. There are days when a call from my amazing intuitive daughter comes in and she quickly pulls me forward into the days events! There are texts coming from my oldest son, that make me smile at possibilities for the rest of the day.
The power of grief heighten emotions and awareness – is a phenomenon, indescribable and catches us all, unawares. Six years ago on Tuesday, June 14th I was at work by 7:30 am and preparing for a meeting that I was leading during the hours of 9 a11:00. My phone rang at 9’ish but I had it on vibrate to go to voicemail. I stopped in the presentation long enough to check who the caller was. I would call my son-in-law back at the scheduled break in the presentation. I began again and then the phone rang. It’s 5 minutes after the last incoming call. It’s my husband. Instinctively I knew something was wrong. I excuse myself from the meeting, anxious about leaving directors, VP’s and CIO’s., but stepping out of the conference room and into the common area, I answer. Bryant? His voice raspy and desperate and hardly audible, says, Rhonda… Yes, are you okay has something happened? It seemed like minutes of dead space. What was maybe three seconds he speaks words I thought I would never hear, “they have found Scot at his apartment, he died in his sleep last night”. It’s impossible to speak of the next three weeks following his death, not because it’s full of trauma, but because for those days after… I just can’t remember how things were ordered. I have had a couple of experiences in my life that we’re so traumatic I instincts block them out. Counselors and therapists are such a blessing when these things happened but unfortunately at 5 years old in 1961 this wasn’t the normal route of medical intervention for those who have experienced such things. So as an immediate reflex, I instinctively protect my mind from the unbearable. There are so many things in the last six years that have come back in memories, but the order of things is still convoluted. So here we are six years later and on the exact day and moments and the answers to why, how- continue to be unanswerable.